Letters I'll Never Send

Dear M,
   Thank you. Thank you for everything we shared, all the laughs we had, the lunch dates, the dinners, the Glee marathons, going to your dad's house, you coming on vacation with me and my family, thank you for the beautiful necklace, everything. We were with each other through everything, heartbreak and happiness, birthdays and Christmas, fights and kisses. You were my first love, and I meant when I said that I will always love you. A year and a half of fabulous laughs and friends and love. What you surprised me with on our one year I will always remember. Driving from San Fran down the coast, stopping at various little points along the way, you knew exactly what makes me smile the biggest. That one place where we tried the jam, then spent like twenty dollars playing Alien at the Boardwalk then the Comedy Sportz people made fun of us. lol. amazing day, I didn't want it to end. Even through Nicaragua, we kept in touch. I missed you so much. the very first night I just wanted to be with you, I took your shirt out from my suitcase and slept with it all night because it smelled like you. Even now, when someone passes me at school and they use Old Spice I think of you right away, I'll never forget the way you smelled lol You were the perfect boyfriend. I just want you to know that. I wish you hadn't been my first boyfriend, I would have appreciated you so much more. I just want  you to know, it was hard for me too. The guilt that I felt for months and months and still feel today, was just as painful as a broken heart, I'm one hundred percent sure of it. I hurt my very best friend, I hurt the one person I told my most kept secret to, I had to leave someone I loved because I wasn't being fair to you. When Glee did Faithfully on their season finale, I cried for hours before I could finally get to sleep. I knew we were thinking about each other and I wanted so badly to go back and be with you again like we used to.
I'm sorry I couldn't see Time Machine. I wanted to but I couldn't come down that weekend, and I didn't know if you'd want me to see it anyway. I want so badly to have a friendship with you after all that we've shared, but I understand that there's damage done, possibly beyond repair for you and I, and I have to respect that. I stalk your facebook shamelessly lol and I figure you and Stacey have a thing for each other. All I can say is she better not fuck around. She better deserve you. You have your shit together, I'm so proud of you for it. You are one hell of a person and you inspired me throughout our time together to strive to be better and work hard for what I want. You've inspired Nick too, he's grown up so much and I know you have a lot to do with it. That's what I've been wanting to tell you, but this is a letter I'll never send. I love you.