baaack

Back in Sonoma! Kind of nice to get away and be on my own again. I miss you. You know who you are lol saying goodbye was as hard as ever. It never gets easier. Never. BALLS. I'm excited to see my roommates since its been so long, we shall do dumb things and reunite and be loud and obnoxious. I'm excited to see whats gonna happen the next four months. idk how much I'll go home. As much as I know I will miss him and my friends, I need to spend time with myself. I got this textbook for drama, not going to lie, I'm hella excited to read it.

nekkidd

Things to do when home alone: 

• sit on bed nakedly
• brush teeth nakedly
• watch tv nakedly
• each a bagel nakedly
• paint nails nakedly
• run around the house nakedly
• dance retardly nakedly
• stretch nakedly

reverting back to the birthday suit haha every baby loves naked time! maybe thats one of those things we never grow out of 

gotta live

almost a year, and now it's like we are perfect strangers. Telecommunication is simply fabulous, theres something wondrous about hiding behind a screen. However, actions are loud, and a picture is worth a thousand words. The picture of you walking away, curt replies, and hollow remarks all cuts deep. No one said it was easy to treat others they way you wanted to be treated, cause its fucking not. People manage it everyday though.


I cant wait to go back to school. I need to shut down and reboot myself. Find my priorities, live passionately, maybe get a tattoo. Do some dumb shit and then come back in a few months.
Im not going to fuck around, im not that kind of girl.

what does any hopeless romantic want? lol

who am I...

There are so many people that live their lives, planning the next step. Graduate, go to college, an internship, a good job, a loving fiance, a grand wedding, lovely house, white picket fence, 2 kids, soccer mom, retirement. The typical american dream. Its great to have a plan. A check list throughout life is always a great thing to do.


I don't think I have a typical list. 
I didn't want to go to college right away, I think I'll be college hopping for the next couple years. 
Sweden is hopefully in my future.
I want to live a year or two in 7 or 8 different countries or states

• New York
• India
• Peru
• Italy
• Greece
• Norway
• Madagascar
• Africa

I think I'm going to be the daughter who when my parents come to visit they ask me when I'm getting married and where their grandkids are.

I'll have an alpaca and a donkey hopefully, grow my produce, and live away from the disgusting corporate that has become the norm. Humans were not meant to consume this genetically enhanced, hormone ridden bullcrap. I want to have a job that i like for a year, teaching, translating, manual labor, I really don't care. I want to be this sponge for everything the world has to offer. Get out of the box that we're all raised in. No fences. No more fences. No more cages. Something tells me humans have become too domesticated, we don't embrace the animosity that we have inside. 

I want to be able to run, to carry my own weight, to make myself and the little things that I own happy. I want to really live, not be assisted by things we've grown accustomed to. I'm not afraid of a hard day's work. 

Sure I want to get married, but all in good time. Everything in good time. 

inspiration

I want to breathe the incredible cold air of freedom. I want to feel the cold hard steel beneath my feet chugging and rolling faster and faster on a metal path. I want the vibrations to take hold and never let go, to feel my own screams blow back to me. 
I want to ride forever. Forever down a straight path into a horizon that is unattainable, so there is no end. That feeling, so free. Hair that had once been restrained free to whip and dance. Tears normally forced to the ground now trail behind me carrying away the mascara that tied me to this materialistic earth. 
With every mile, I want to feel my sadness dissipate, my fears destroyed, my worries forgotten. I want to throw back to the world everything I've been given because I don't need it anymore.
I pray for a thunderstorm; something to wash away this protective slime that I can't seem to scrub off. In great literature and cinema the baptismal scene cleans the hero of past regrets, pains, and fears but comes only after the descent into the underworld; basement perhaps, or even beneath a bridge. I want to taste the rain. I want to hear the thunder. I want the vibrations to take hold and never let go, to feel my own screams blow back at me. I want to go. And never ever turn around.

exactly how im feeling

gnomes

IT HAS BEEN DONE. A GNOME HAS BEEN KIDNAPPED AND BEEN SHOWN A GOOD TIME.
lol A looong time ago I discovered the whole "steal a gnome" thing. Funny enough, the house near mind has a shit ton of gnomes. Literally, like 10. So daniel and I took one and went around taking pictures of it in wierd places:

•                   
• playing guitar
• sitting on the PF Changs horse
• on railroad tracks
• sitting on a porche 
• driving

Hopefully kc and I will take it more places, I want to put tons of beer bottles and shot glasses around it because the gnome's position is laying on his side.. ahh simple pleasures

Daniel is my fellow adventurer. He's the only friend I have who will genuinely go exploring with me and do crazy stupid stuff. Today we went to a old trainyard with empty cargo and box cars and we climbed on them and walked around. We were sitting on top of one of the boxcars just chatting like we used to. I don't want to lose that, its so rare to have someone like him in your life. 

im gonna get one right now...

oooh so prettyy

riiiing riiing

I miss you. I wish things were back to normal, because that is what we were, when we were together. Things were how they were supposed to be. 
And now... I hate being alone in my room, I always have my phone hoping you'll call or text, I want to see into the future just so I'll know what to expect. But above all, I want you to be happy. I need you to be happy, and I'll do whatever it is that will get you there. If it's letting you erase me from your life, if it's trying again, what it is doesn't matter because I'll always put you first.

daw

heehee...

ohhh facebook

I absolutely despise, wHen p30plE wriitee likee thiiss.
HOW FUCKING OLD ARE YOU? KNOCK IT OFF BEFORE I TURN OFF THE INTERNET. shit, no one wants to see your 8 year old typography, I'm pretty sure people want to punt you. I do, jeez. 
I kind of hate having my parents on facebook. On one hand I like them being able to see that I'm okay and stuff while I'm at school BUT I can't post ANYTHING negative or five minutes later I get an effing phone call from my mother asking why I'm stressed or why I had a frowny face for my status. CAN I HAVE A NEGATIVE EMOTION FOR 5 GODDAMN MINUTES PLEASE?
I don't really like to put my negative feelings on blast anyway. If I'm upset or crying, I don't put a status about it. It's negative attention and I feel like its unnecessary. I'm on facebook all the time, but it's not a good way to judge how I'm really feeling. 
So as of now, if I would put up a status on how I really feel, it would be:    Bleh, I wish none of this happened, I miss you and just want us to be back. 


And that is what grinds my gears.   

if you love someone

If you love someone because you think he or she is really gorgeous- 

     then its not love, its ~infatuation~

If you love someone because you think that you shouldn't leave him because others think that you shouldn't-

     then its not love, its ~compromise~

If you love someone because you think you cannot live without his touch,

     then its not love, its ~lust~

If you love someone because you cannot leave him thinking that is would hurt his feelings- 

     then its not love, its ~charity~

If you love someone because you share everything with him-

     then its not love, its ~friendship~

But... if you feel the pain of the other person more than him even when he is stable and you cry for him-

     thats ~LOVE~

If you get attracted to other people but stay with him without any regrets-

     that's ~LOVE~

If you let him go knowing that he has to go but he doesn't want to-

     thats ~LOVE~

censorship

I was so secure with you, I never had to censor myself. 
What is in my brain, always has to come out. 


I loved you. I did everything I could to make you happy, to bring us together, to make this work. And for some reason it failed. I never wanted it to fail.


If I said that I was okay after we split that would be the biggest lie I've ever told. I was devastated. I didn't leave the house for three days, I couldn't stop crying, because I lost my best friend. We were ourselves with each other, I didn't have to fake with you, try to be something I wasn't, because for some crazy reason, you like me for who I was. So when things began to change, you cant blame me for scrambling to hold on to the best thing I had. And when I lost it, you can't blame me for scrambling to regain any kind of stability. 
I said I could never hate you, and it was true. I could never hate you. BUT, the things that happened to me will NOT just leave my mind. I was in a mental hell-hole for days, hoping, praying to a God that doesn't exist, that this person will not walk out of my life. 
People say that in a relationship you were supposed to say anything and the person will till love you, and be there for you in the morning. I never believed it. I thought that if I said something that was hurting me, or needed to change, it wouldn't be worth it and you would leave. So I kept it in. I worked around it. But eventually it became too much. I tried to come to you, but I guess I let too much build up over time and it was too much to handle at once. I was guilt-tripped, I tried to be diplomatic, I tried to keep you happy but still address my needs, and I couldn't do it. I couldn't balance it. And it didn't work. I just fell farther and farther into this mental hole because I didn't know how to climb out. 
Then it didn't matter, because it was over. I said I could never hate you. So I didn't. I don't. And I stayed in bed for days crying and trying to grab onto anything I could to pull me out of the hole. There was nothing I could've fixed, that I know of. I would love to know if there was. So I lashed out. I will not lie, I never have to you. I tried to find everything I could that I kept to myself to try to justify being angry. I had to be angry, because if there's an emotion, thats the greenlight to progress. Those few days, I felt nothing. I felt a sharp, intense pain of despair and longing. One can only deal with that combination for so long. I will not censor myself for my own recovery. If I knew you cared enough to watch my conversations, well then I wouldn't have felt that way. Because I felt like this split was so much easier on you than me. Maybe that's me being selfish, but hey when you cry every time a song comes on your ipod I think you deserve to be a little selfish. 
I loved you. I tried to give you everything you deserved. But I will not censor my emotions, because you know I don't internalize well. I'm sorry. Again. But this time, I'm putting myself before you. 

STOP

in the naaaaaaaaame of love. lol

Okay ally, you need to stop caring. stop thinking, stop over-analyzing, stop everything. cause who knows if he still cares. I would love it if he did, but I cant control him. 

yeah... go with that mentality I think.

as you have flung yourself into another dimension of pain and suffering by putting yourself into a situation where you will be around him for hours a day, make the best of it. Be with the people who actually care about you, and who are happy to be around you. Woo what a trip, from a summer fling to a mental hole. I dont know why it happened. I did everything i knew how to do without making him feel trapped, and for some reason i fell into  a love-less relationship with fantastic memories. I wonder how often that happens to people... 

hmmmm hello my name is ally d'ambrosio and I am a statistic lol

From SB

"People speak of "sexual morality," but that is a misleading expression. There is no special morality for sex. No matter what you do with yourself, whether you go to bed with girls or with boys, and no matter what it occurs to you to do with them or with yourself, no moral rule applies to that sphere of activity other than the principles that govern every aspect of life: honesty, courage, common humanity, consideration." - Jens Bjornboe

OTC

Self-pity is easily the most destructive of the nonpharmaceutical narcotics; it is addictive, gives momentary pleasure and separates the victim from reality.
-John W. Gardner

to write is to put pen to paper and to open a vein

 It's marvelous. 

This mandating, minuscule, minority, making more music to move the masses.

 Music to move the masses. 

What does it sound like this mass moving music. 

Its the sound of one. more. morsel. of. matter. losing his future. 

It's the sound of one. more. master of a craft who has dug their fingers into the very dirt of their passion being silenced. 

 I need a shock. a shock to shock those shocking shocks that absorb passion and put out a chart to chart my progress based on a mandating minority, making majorities mold, mistakenly muffling a once magical moment. 

I'm getting a migraine from these masters of puppets pulling the strings of this nation's education, this fixation and elation of these soldiers at their station. 

Your AK-47s raping this mother earth that I was brought up to love, that you were brought up to love. 

Where you home and your innocence now lie are with what has been destroyed. Destroyed and took your passion. 

Passion to learn, passion to change, that innocent notion as a child that you can be whatever you want to be. 

But now we know, to be or not to be is not entirely up to us. 

That innocent view that I could fly to the moon and make that unwalked dirt my home is nothing but an illusion set forth by the magical projector of “motivation.” 

I want to go home. 

I want to go back to those days where it was ok for me to think right was left, and left was right, that up was down, that east was north and south was west. 

Where I could kiss my best boyfriend and not have society slap “slut” across my face. 

Where I could have love for my best girlfriend and not “dyke” in my eyes and “homo” slammed down my throat. 

Where beauty went from grass-stained tights to a size negative 5. I want to go home.  

Go back to where your heart is. 

Is it where you grew up?  Is it where you haven’t been yet? 

is it that golden place where you can have your heart on a platter no matter who you are or where you are on life’s journey you are welcome there. 

So let’s go. Let’s go back lets go back to imagination, creativity, and passion. 

A place where if I want to make the unwalked dirt of the moon my sanctuary, I can. 

So stop. 

Close your eyes and take a breath. And click those heels together three times because there is no place like home. 

c-c-c-c-c-craaack

It is time to move on! Move on from whatever is dragging you down, holding you back, or keeping you under. Life is a rollercoaster full of ups and downs, and climbs and dips, hills and falls but no matter what you will return to a good place with new emotions and feelings. 

I am taking every good feeling, every memory, every gift, every touch, everything this person ever gave me, and using it to move forward. Maybe somewhere along the line I will find someone that will return everything I try to offer. As for now, its time for some personal growth. I will continue to hold him close to my heart, someone to talk to and vent to, and go on crazy adventures with. 

2011

Well its the new year, and I think its also time for a new me. Time to focus on making myself happy for a change.  Its hard to change into that habit, because you're always taught to be selfless and look out for others. However, there is a time when you need to take a step back and evaluate your life and what you need to make yourself happy.

• learn what I want to learn, not just what I'm signed up to learn
• take my body into my own hands, I am what I need to love myself
• find my stress relief, gymnastics, dance, guitar, whatever I need
• follow my passion, learn all I can about it
• have fun, live my life