censorship

I was so secure with you, I never had to censor myself. 
What is in my brain, always has to come out. 


I loved you. I did everything I could to make you happy, to bring us together, to make this work. And for some reason it failed. I never wanted it to fail.


If I said that I was okay after we split that would be the biggest lie I've ever told. I was devastated. I didn't leave the house for three days, I couldn't stop crying, because I lost my best friend. We were ourselves with each other, I didn't have to fake with you, try to be something I wasn't, because for some crazy reason, you like me for who I was. So when things began to change, you cant blame me for scrambling to hold on to the best thing I had. And when I lost it, you can't blame me for scrambling to regain any kind of stability. 
I said I could never hate you, and it was true. I could never hate you. BUT, the things that happened to me will NOT just leave my mind. I was in a mental hell-hole for days, hoping, praying to a God that doesn't exist, that this person will not walk out of my life. 
People say that in a relationship you were supposed to say anything and the person will till love you, and be there for you in the morning. I never believed it. I thought that if I said something that was hurting me, or needed to change, it wouldn't be worth it and you would leave. So I kept it in. I worked around it. But eventually it became too much. I tried to come to you, but I guess I let too much build up over time and it was too much to handle at once. I was guilt-tripped, I tried to be diplomatic, I tried to keep you happy but still address my needs, and I couldn't do it. I couldn't balance it. And it didn't work. I just fell farther and farther into this mental hole because I didn't know how to climb out. 
Then it didn't matter, because it was over. I said I could never hate you. So I didn't. I don't. And I stayed in bed for days crying and trying to grab onto anything I could to pull me out of the hole. There was nothing I could've fixed, that I know of. I would love to know if there was. So I lashed out. I will not lie, I never have to you. I tried to find everything I could that I kept to myself to try to justify being angry. I had to be angry, because if there's an emotion, thats the greenlight to progress. Those few days, I felt nothing. I felt a sharp, intense pain of despair and longing. One can only deal with that combination for so long. I will not censor myself for my own recovery. If I knew you cared enough to watch my conversations, well then I wouldn't have felt that way. Because I felt like this split was so much easier on you than me. Maybe that's me being selfish, but hey when you cry every time a song comes on your ipod I think you deserve to be a little selfish. 
I loved you. I tried to give you everything you deserved. But I will not censor my emotions, because you know I don't internalize well. I'm sorry. Again. But this time, I'm putting myself before you.