Eye to Eye

When you get to know someone, all their physical characteristics start to disappear. You begin to dwell in their energy. Recognize the scent of their skin. you only see the essence of the person, not the shell. That's why you cant fall in love with beauty or looks. You can lust after it, be infatuated by it, want to own it. You can love it with your eyes but not your heart.
That's why when you really connect with a person, any physical imperfections disappear, become irrelevant.

blue

What can I say?
nothing that hasn't been said by the both of us.
"I'm sorry." shouted thousands of times. but "I'm sorry." doesn't make it better. "I'm sorry." doesn't make it hurt any less. Betrayal, lies, pain, it all hurts the same.


But through it all theres that patch of blue, whether the dark clouds cover it up or not. The patch of clear true, honest, blue. No matter what you do. How many clouds you put over it, how much rain you have pouring down from it, or how many you shoot into it, it will always be blue. 


You are my blue. My heart for you, is always blue. So let the storm come. Yeah its loud, it tears things up, it tears things down. It makes is stay indoors for days. Yes its loud, and the thunder is terrifying. But afterwards, guess what? It's blue. So bring on the rain, and bring on the thunder. Sure I'm scared, but I know what's behind that cloud. And I know it's blue. 

Todd Eugene Kendrick

On December 2, 2010, the world lost an 18 year old. 18. The person who is the most deserving of life than anyone I know. He was driving and crashed into a fire hydrant, the car flipped. And then there were none. 

Dead.

 Its hard to know hard that word can resonate within a person. He was part of a body of hundreds of people, and now he is gone. Its like a battery, they go and burn, then suddenly... thats it. You no longer have power, cold hard and lifeless.He was 18. How long do we normally live? To be 80? 90 if we're lucky, and he lived 18. Not usually enough time to find a passion.

How can there be a god, when these things happen? Why. Why would a person who has literally fought their whole life just to walk, to breathe, to LIVE, be taken away.

Trying to envision it, not the accident. But to put death into literal terms. The coming, the going. It's like a black veil, coming slowly, encompassing everything and entirely. And that veil chose him. Chose to rest upon his 18 year old body.

He wasn't unhappy, he wasn't spiteful or a jealous person, he was the epitome of a good man. A good friend. He had a good heart, he had drive, a high school student, and a half a year of college student. Half a year.

He loved Superman, Charmed, Firefly, Kyle XY, and didn't care that people laughed at him for it. We used to talk about the cheese biscuits at Red Lobster during class, and argued about the stupidest things. And now, all we have are those memories. Faint wisps of nothingness that somehow posses meaning. And we hold those wisps closer now than the most precious jewel, or the winning lottery ticket or the newest Harry Potter movie. Because when it comes down to it, you can not put a price on a life. Your life is yours to LIVE. Thats why you have it. And the hundreds of people who have mascara running down their faces, or their hats pulled down attest.

Rest in Peace Todd. You deserve so much more.

I AM FROM VENUS

Why? Why ladies? Why do we insist on trying to tap into our men's minds as if they were our girlfriends? We hear every day, men are simple, men are simple. And we say, "NO. NO THEY ARE NOT. THEY ARE CONFUSING." We hint and we hint. Why? Is it because we like to be elusive? Probably not because we want whatever problem that is on the table solved. 
I think, it's because we are problem solvers by nature. If there's an issue with ourselves, or our friends, or the car, we're going to try to fix it. And in doing so, we expect others around us to become problem solvers, namely; men. If we give enough hints and "hypothetical" situations, maybe they'll understand what is going on in the deep complexities of our minds and figure out exactly what is bothering you. No. No. Simply no. It doesn't work like that. 
I never really understood the whole "men are simple creatures" until I was face to face with it. NOW I understand. 
So ladies, for the sake of your sanity and your man's, ditch the hints, and the situations, we all do it. Literally say one or two sentences that are the bare bones of your problem. "I feel _______ when ______." 
Its a bizarre thing to get used to since it's so foreign to us, but hey, sometimes change is good right?

DM

You think I'm pretty

Without any make-up on

You think I'm funny

When I tell the punch line wrong

I know you get me

So I let my WALLS come down

Down...

Before you met me

I was alright 

But things were kinda heavy

You brought me to life

Now every February

You'll be my Valentine,

Valentine...

Let's go all the way tonight

No regrets, just love

We can dance until we die

You and I 

We'll be young forever

You make me 

Feel like 

I'm living a Teenage Dream

The way you turn me on

I can't sleep

Let's run away 

And don't ever look back

Don't ever look back

My heart stops

When you look at me

Just one touch

Now baby I believe

This is real

So take a chance 

And don't ever look back

Don't ever look back

We drove to Cali

And got DrUnK on the beach

Got a motel and

Built a fort out of sheets

I finally found you

My missing puzzle piece

I'm complete

Let's go all the way tonight

No regrets, just love

We can dance until we die

You and I 

We'll be young forever

My heart stops

When you look at me

Just one touch

Now baby I believe

This is real

So take a chance 

And don't ever look back

Don't ever look back

I might get your heart racing

In my skin-tights jeans

Be your Teenage Dream tonight

Let you put your hands on me

In my skin-tight jeans

Be your Teenage Dream tonight

Tonight,tonight,tonight,

Tonight,tonight,tonight

likey tattoos

Simple yet elegant. 

What are you searching for?
You may not know now, but you'll know when you find it.

I love the idea of time and direction

Gentle giants, we can learn so much from them

Beautiful, wouldn't pick this quote, but the though is good.

do you know...

about trust? Of course, everyone does. Everyone trusts somebody, a best friend, a boyfriend, a girlfriend, a spouse, a lover, a dog, a cat, everyone has something. And every once in a while... uh oh... snap goes that thin wire conecting the t to the r and the u and the s and the t. 
        snap.
Snaps hurt. When you snap a rubber band against your wrist, when you snap out of a dream, when someone tells you to snap out of it. Even the word, snap, you hear the tension being thrown away just saying the word. 
That snap... everyone knows that snap. If everyone knows the pain, the shock, and the snap, why does it continue? Why, when you loop yourself to another person with that thin wire is it constantly in danger?
Why in those seconds when the scissors are closing down with the quivering wire locked between the blades. do you not think about the snap, about the damage that flexing your hand will do to that wire?


Some say it's the heat of the moment. I don't know about you, but I'v been in moments, I've had chances to cut that wire, but then I remember whose at the other end. I didn't pick up those scissors. Because as easy as cutting that wire would be, I know the snap. We all know the snap. The white noise that is burned into your ears and brain. The repeating imagery. The feeling like your stomach is going to fall out of your butt. That snap that cuts you from your normality and your routine.


And its amazing that once that wire is cut, the little triggers that bring you right back to white noise, imagery, and a gravity-prone stomach. Suddenly your right back there, you see it over and over in your head, and you remember that its not okay. You're not okay. 

home?

Its Saturday morning. Its rainy and windy. The campus is empty. They house is dark. Theres music playing. Roommates laughing. Each others clothes all over the place. Pieces of wardrobe from each of our three closets on all of us. My shirt here, her scarf there, her shoes, her hat, my jacket. Feels good. Feels comfortable. Feels like a home.
Feels like I finally found my place here, I'm happy with my roommates, we get closer everyday. I've grown up alot since I've been here. I can take care of myself, I can clean my place without being told, I can get my shit done. 
We're spending the day in Berkeley, gonna be goooood. 
They said it would be ok, and it is.  

indeed

do it

Take chances. Tell the truth. Date someone totally wrong for you. Say no. Spend all your cash. Get to know someone random. Be random. Say I love you. Sing out loud. Laugh at stupid jokes. Cry. Apologize. Tell someone how much they mean to you. Tell a jerk what you think. Laugh till your stomach hurts. Live life. Regret nothing. 

MISFITS

WOO so after like 3 or 4 days of sickness and staying in bed and what not, I finally got a chance to release all my pent up energy.... in the form of a Misfits concert. It was my first punk concert, aaand it was effing amazing. 
I highly recommend looking up Juicehead- they opened and were pretty awesome I must say. But damn.... that concert was pretty intense, moshing, drink throwing, screaming, getting thrown around...quite the experience. 
I put my mohawk up to go, and it was completely flat by the end of the night. 


I understand how people fall in love with punk now. It's releasing everything you're trained to keep inside. Animalistic, and nasty, and dirty, and violent, and gritty, just everything released. For once you just dont give a fuck, and your surrounded by people who are the same, and are listening to music that makes you want to punch something and throw your body around like you have epilepsy, and thats what its there for! gahhh....so releasing... I was so sore afterwards, and I smelled like mosh. Which I can only describe as beer, and weed, and  sweat, b.o., and hairspray (from my mohawk), and epicness. I have smelt epicness....its name is a moshpit. yeaaaa... walked out and my ears were ringing, they still are, almost a full day later, I was sore, I was tired, I was happy as a... I dont even know but I was happy as it. Definately needed that night, totally worth the money, and I got a t-shirt. 

3N3RGY

WOO IV BEEN REALLY SICK AND HAVENT REALLY MOVED OUT OF THE DORM IN LIKE 3 DAYS AND NOW I FEEL BETTER AND ITS 12:30 AND I REALLY WANT TO RUN AROUND AFTER BEING MOTIONLESS FOR ALMOST 12 CONSISTENT HOURS. YAY FOR STUMBLEUPON, FACEBOOK, AND INCESSANT BLOGGING.

you must be at least this tall to show love

    

           

  

dancing with myself

  

beautiful music...

your hand in mine by explosions in the sky

makes everything okay

listen to it, see what inspirations come to mind

everyone needs a little provoking once in a while 

much needed humor

lawl...hes special

back here...again

Im back at sonoma.... loverly
had a really boring and mentally storming day. i dont know what i want out of this experience and it scares me. i hope there are others in my place as well so im not completely alone. everyone says, give it time! itl get better, yea but what if it doesnt. im not a negative person, i dont usually see my glass as half empty, but in this case, im having trouble reaching that half full mentality. i think once i declare my major itl get better, but even then im not motivated enough to take the initiative to go talk to a dean or look through a catalogue or even study for a damn test. 
i loved being home, im so happy there. D makes me so happy, more so than many. and i dont know if he realizes that. i just want him to know that i dont want anyone else. yes i have met guys here, wonderful guys, but the one that has my heart is in fremont. and until he doesnt want it anymore thats where its going to stay. 


i listened to the poetic stylings of sam starr today. truly, truly talented poet. lots of mental visions, tears, and tuna this evening. 
class was dull, astronomy seemed to draaaaaaaag... an hour and a half to talk about 3 planets?
    -__________________________-        wtf. 


meh i need something to occupy my time now that the show is over, loved that show, miss it alot. gave me something interesting to focus on instead of all these freaking GE courses.... theyr the worst they really are.


miss my girls, miss my guy, cant wait to go home again

home

I love my home. I love the place, my house, my room, my family, my friends, the people, everything. I know where everything is, I know what to do, I know how to get there, I know I know I know. I love knowing. I had the most amazing Halloween weekend. D and I looked for costumes watched movies saw Fangs, had just good clean fun. Which is what I love. Its hard finding people who can share in the joy of good clean fun with me. At college all there is to do is party. Not really my scene. When it rains, all I want is to go run in the rain and puddle jump, and amazingly enough, I have found like 1 person who is willing to do that with me. My roommates are fine, boring, but fine. They don't branch out at all. I'm an adventurous person, I like to go do things, they dont. We get along fine, house living together is fine, but its not what it could be. I have to walk across campus to go hang out with my friend who will actually get off his ass and do something with me, but half the time all he does is play video games...

I didnt want to go to there. Weeks before move-in i was having panic attacks, and had that deep, instinctual gut feeling that the school was not a good fit for me... what do you know, its not.

My bridesmaids are here. The godparents to my kids are here. The people I spill my guts to are here. The people who know me better than anyone ever could, are here.

Everyone says stuff like oh! college! theres so many opportunities there, you meet so many new people. well yea but what if i'm not ready for that? What if I'm one of the people who is just genuinely NOT ready for college straight out of high school? Now what do I do?

Kc, Kristi, Daniel, Ha, Tommy, Brett: You guys are my best friends, thank you for everything youv done for my and sticking with me through this damn ordeal.

the glad game

when your having a bad day, its quite therapeutic to play the glad game! you list all the things that make you glad... heres your start for the day:

1. Family Guy/South Park/ Glee/ House
2. lots of ice cubes in the tray
3. a squirrel that runs close to you
4. crunchy leaves (oh yea those are my favorite)
5. when your mom/dad/spouse/someone comes back from the grocery store
6. cough drops when you need them
7. knocking a cup over and theres nothing in it
8. you turn on the radio just to hear the good part of the song
9. when something is right where you thought it would be
10. clean socks
11. new batteries
12. bunnies
13. funny youtube videos
14. videos of people failing (failblog.org is great for that one)
15. waking up to a text
16. ridiculously bad horror movies
17. mini-pumpkins
18. a new box of crayons
19. giant bear hugs
20. thumb wars
21. funny noises ( e.g. elbow farts)

thebeatles

Here comes the sun, here comes the sun, 
and I say it's all right 

Little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter 
Little darling, it feels like years since it's been here 
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun 
and I say it's all right 

Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces 
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here 
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun 
and I say it's all right 

Sun, sun, sun, here it comes... 
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes... 
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes... 
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes... 
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes... 

Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting 
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been clear 
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun, 
and I say it's all right 
It's all right 

bleehh

I wish i was more secure with myself. I wish i was more secure in my relationship, i know i dont have a reason not to be, but i always have nagging feelings in the back of my head that are just waiting for something to go wrong. He is incredible, i cant even begin to say how much he means to me, and how blessed i feel to just have him in my life. he is always there for me, i know he'd go to the end of the earth and back if i needed it. he makes me want to be the best i can be. I never want there to be a time where hes not there. I'd do everything and anything in my power to see him happy


i dont really know the purpose for that little rant but it wanted to come out. anywhoo i just have english left today, and wer watching a movie. i rememvber in high school when we prayed to watch movies, but now it just feels like a waste of time, like i could be doing something else than sitting on my butt in this dark room... meehhrr oh well


i miss my friends. i miss  Kc and Kristi and Ha and Tommy. I talk to Kristi the most i think. I'v met some awesome people here though. My closest friend is definitely Spencer Burg. We met at orientation and by some form of divine intervention hes two floors down from me so that worked out nicely. Spencer is a great guy, him and his girlfriend are hella funny together, and the three of us get along pretty awesomely. We went to a pumpkin patch yesterday and got some pumpkins to carve. Im carving the chicago bears logo into mine. EVEN IF A CERTAIN SOMEONE THINKS ITS LAME.  =P I love Halloween, some people say im too old for it, and to that i say NAY. free is free and candy is candy. haha


I watched the Boondock Saints with Spencer and his friend Kyle last night. HELLA GOOD MOVIE. I was freaking out when they had to cauterize their bullet wounds and when the italian guy got his finger shot off, but the dialogue was great and i shat myself when the old prison guy turned out to be their father... ohmagoodness.... Iv heard the second one isnt that great, but i might watch it anyways just to get the full experience.
=]

music of our childhoods

BACKSTREET BOYS FTW...im just saying lol
aaand the Car Wash song from SharkTale
ALLL of Moulin Rouge... breathtaking

one reason I love college, the late night nostalgic music binges

at some point in my life...

I would like....

1. an Edible Arrangement
2. a pig 
3. a cat
4. to ride a Clydesdale
5. to write for a magazine
6. to decorate my own house/apartment
7. learn a song on the guitar
8. take a road trip
9. go to India
10. spend a year in New York
11. see the Rockettes
12. carve a really intricate pumpkin for Halloween
13. scuba dive
14. go back to Nicaragua
15. get married
16. have a big garden
17. get paid for doing something I love!

Video Games

So, as of now, I am sitting watching some guys play Fallout 3... and I have no idea whats going on. Something about an iguana on a stick.... my preschool teacher had an iguana.
Yeah, I have been on this earth 18 years, and still cannot figure out how people can game for hours on end. One or two? Sure, knock yourself out, but when they go on these 4 or 5 hour binges, I don't know how their corneas aren't burnt out of their skull.

Of course, this is coming from the girl who's video game extent includes Put-Put Goes to the Zoo and Secret Agent Barbie... =]

BAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA

I LOL EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

I AM NOW PASSING THE HUMOR ON

I smile every single time

ZOMBIES ZOMG

ATTENTION: THIS IS SERIOUS SHIT.

Although I have never been given a one hundred percent confirmation, I among with millions of people all over the world are anticipating and preparing for the zombie apocalypse. Some say that the invasion will be the catastrophe 2012,  whether it is or not, it is entirely important that you BE PREPARED. There are many ways in which you can prepare yourself, I'll talk a little about it and then move on to my own personal zombie survival plan:

• Like they said in Zombieland: CARDIO. As long as you can run, you can run away
• Stay hydrated, keeping up your own health is an obvious essential, but is sometimes overlooked
• Stay in groups, don't get singled out, they will gang up on you
• Stay away from water, there are plenty of species of zombie, who live in the water. Do not get caught as the catch of the day
• Don't wear baggy pants, tie up long hair, and remove any chains or bondage from pants, they have inhuman strength 
• REMOVE THE HEAD OR DESTROY THE BRAIN BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY

As for my own plan, I know my neighborhood well enough, and the best place I have come to find, is my local bowling alley. People always ask, "Why a bowling alley?"
Lots and lots of hard blunt heavy objects, perfect for dropping from significant heights like the top of the roof.
In addition to the heavy instruments, there is a McDonalds, Taco Bell, Togos, and local gun store all in a two minute walking distance, perfect.

Be prepared lovelies, because as some of you know...

WHAT YOU DON'S KNOW CAN EAT YOU

fail or win? you decide

personally, in leaning towards win

saying goodbye

goodbyes are the woorrssttt.
ugh especially that drive/bus ride/plane ride/walk back to wherever the hell it is you came from. That person is the only thing on your mind, the days you spent together are the only thing on your mind... just kinda sucks
ALOT.
but...things shall get better for they always do, life is full of ups and downs. if you can get through the downs, well then you have an up to look forward to.


Peace

Real People

I have met the most amazing people here at college.
This one goes out to Sam Starr.
Thank you, thank you for your honesty, your words of wisdom, your genuine care. You are a one of a kind person, you have an incredible heart. I hope that everyone finds at least one person in their lives like Sam. He is the kind of person that is always there for you, I feel like I can spill my guts to him and he will give me an honest opinion.
GET SOMEONE LIKE HIM. THEY'RE AWESOME

Peace

New Planet?

Sooooo apparently, a new planet has been found. Gliese 581g is approximately twenty lightyears away from earth. No big right? Well scientists say that this is the first planet we have found that is 100% capable of supporting life. It takes 37 days to orbit its red dwarf star, and interestingly enough, it doesnt not revolve. One side is always facing the star, and the other is always facing away- meaning that one side of the planet is blazing hot, and the other is freezing cold. This however creates what they called a "goldilocks zone" not too hot, and not too cold, but just right for liquid water to sit on the surface of the planet.
Traveling to this planet would be AWESOME, unfortunately even if NASA designed a ship that travels at the speed of light it would take twenty years to reach this planet. Hopefully we will see much more research and information come from Gliese 581g.


http://news.blogs.cnn.com/2010/09/30/100-percent-chance-for-life-on-newly-found-planet/?hpt=C2

Math and an Essay

What an uneventful day, full of vegan hotdogs, easy math, and a four page paper.
Astronomy and rehearsal are to follow, hopefully they will be a tad more exciting.

Peace

Gymnastics

For thirteen years of my life, I was a gymnast. From age three to sixteen I spent every waking hour in the gym with my friends and coaches. It's hard to describe the gymnastic life to people who know nothing about it. The gym is an extremely family oriented place, the team is your family and your coaches another set of parents. While in training you go through everything with these people, they see your intense fears, your confidence, your strengths, your weaknesses, and you develop such intense trust in your teammates and coaches, it becomes a whole separate life. I love gymnastics, I always will love it. When I retired my freshmen year of high school, I was ready for a change, and went into theater and became more involved in my school. Throughout high school I began to coach gymnastics at gym nearby and it was nice to be back in the sport without having to train hardcore for sixteen hours every week. Now and then I would go to an open session and do old routines and see tumbling I could still do. It made me feel at home, I could do things that not the average person could do. In the gym you know your place, you know your goals, and you know your progress. It's a steady environment.
Now that I'm in college, I find myself yearning to be back in the intense world of training and competition. I loved everything about gymnastics, the flying, the skills, the strength, and especially what it did to my mind and body. Gymnastics has kept me out of so much in life, I never had time to get into trouble, or for boy drama, or for dumb things that kids get themselves into. I sincerely hope that my child does gymnastics, boy or girl.
I hope that I can soon satisfy this craving, I miss the sport.

Peace

Spikey MaGee

Mohawk

First day around college with a mohawk, got some funny looks, some blank stares, some smiles. It was fun, something new and exciting that i think everyone should do at least once in their lives. I realized that a huge part in your life is letting go. (Why do I think of fight club?) Just have the courage to say "fuck it" once in a while and live your life.

Peace

Quote of the Day

"The difference between what we can do, and actually do, could suffice to solve most of the worlds problems."

CORGIS

 They are just the best....

Spoken Words

I am extremely passionate about education. Not becoming a teacher, but more of the political side of education. The reform of our educational system, and the importance of education (Nicaragua did this one).
One day in my Native American Art Studies class I was randomly hit with a bout of writing inspiration and on the back of my doodle filled paper I scratched this one out...

It's marvelous. This mandating, miniscual, minority, minority, making more music to move the masses. Music to move the masses. What does it sound like this mass moving music. Its the sound of one. more. morsel. of. matter. losing his future. It's the sound of one. more. master of a craft who has dug their fingers into the very dirt of their passion being silenced. beatbeat. beatbeat. beatbeatttttttSTOP. I need a shock. a shock to shock those shocking shocks that absorb passion and put out a chart to chart my progress based on a mandating minority, making majorities mold, mistakenly muffling a once magical moment. I'm getting a migraine from these masters of puppets pulling the strings of this nation's education, this fixation and elation of these soldiers at their station.

Peace

This. Is. Me.

1. I am scared of thunder
2. I love horses
3. I love to write
4. I have difficulty telling my left from my right
5. I love chocolate
6. I did gymnastics for 13 years
7. I miss it
8. I went to Nicaragua for three weeks
9. I would give anything to go back
10. I love my genuine friends.
11. I love my family
12. I strive to be healthy
13. I have a calm wardrobe.
14. At the moment, I have a mohawk.
15. I have it for a show that I am in =]
16. I am learning to play guitar
17. I try very hard to go green everyday
18. I am passionate
19. I am spontaneous
20. I am independent.